What does the speed in which a woman says 'nothing' when asked 'What's wrong?' indicate?

In response to last week’s question, "What does the speed in which a woman says 'nothing' when asked 'What's wrong?' indicate?," my sister-in-law Lorrie counseled, "Haven't you guys figured it out that it is not how fast she responds but how she responds.  Sweetly - watch out.  Matter of factly - not a problem.  A little on the pissy side - double watch out."   To this, my collaboration friend Tricia advised, "If I say nothing without hesitation, one should worry a bit. If I say 'nothing' in a sentence with other descriptive words, it's ok. :-)    Why do we do this?  It is our special power and we know this is confusing to you guys, and we measure the response, when used quickly. Always choose the next comment carefully!!"

My HIPAA compliance friend Karla then suggested, "You have to ask 3 times and on the 3rd time you will get the actual answer."   Then my birthday bud Jon shared, "Nothing, my wife said immediately."

From the guys' perspective, my writing and sailing friend Rich observed, "The speed of her reply is directly proportional to the intensity of her unhappiness with you," to which my neighbor Al  concluded, "The severity of the event, or your mistake, is exponentially proportional to the response interval. (Example:  What's wrong dear? ... Nothing! (said with the snap of a buggy whip)  However, it can also be inversely proportional if the offense is reminiscent of something you might have done say 25 years ago. (Example:  What's wrong dear? ........ pause ....... pause ....... pause........ Nothing. (said with a loathing sneer that will make Lucifer himself beg forgiveness.)"   My temple friend Lesley offered the visual, "As a graph, it would be an exponential curve with rate of speech on the x-axis and the pissed off factor on the y-axis."

My networking friend Andrew noted that "if she answers quickly, you have done something wrong. If she answers slowly, you have also done something wrong. If she doesn't answer at all, you have REALLY done something VERY wrong."  My temple friend Bob noted "If she says it slow, she's upset.  If she says it fast, she's really pissed off." 

My cycling friend Ted  pointed out, "The speed of the response is directly proportional to the need for the Man Cave where no women may enter!," to which my social media friend Mark recommended, "It means absolutely nothing. It is a trap. RUN! RUN FAST! ANYWHERE, JUST GET OUT!"

My temple friend Richard revealed, "The quicker she says 'Nothing,' the longer the snorkel you will need, because it indicates the depth to which you are buried in a big pile of “fertilizer.”   FYI:  The key to a happy marriage for a man is knowing 3 – and only 3 – key phrases:

1)     “Yes, dear. You are right.”

2)     “I’m sorry.”

3)     “Oh.” (Used to stall for time while trying to figure out whether phrase 1 or phrase 2 applies to your particular situation.)  “Oh” is also important because it is incredibly flexible and can mean many different things. Some examples:

<> “Oh?” – “I’m confused?” “I’m surprised.”.

<> “Oh!”  -- “OK, I get it now.”

<> “Ooooooooohhh.” – “I understand where I screwed up.”

When my cousin Wes replied, "Ut oh," my equestrian friend Royce declared, "Avoid asking the question, dummy."

Please send me your thoughts about this week's "things that make you go 'Hmmm' “:

How long does Summer last?

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Hal

You know you're in the South if school is back in session.  And that means football can't be far behind.

Thanks to Demetri Martin, Steven Wright and George Carlin for the inspiration for Hmmm.   I invite you to call or email me so  I can share what  I'm up to.